Making the Team

By: Andrea Lopes, LCSW-C

            With the start of school and the fall sports season beginning, many children are preparing for or have already tried out for a school team or a travel sports team.  Preparing for and participating in sports tryouts has become increasingly competitive.  Most of us can say that it is extremely different from when we were growing up.  Many athletic, talented kids will not make the High School team or Travel Sports Teams due to the tremendous competition today.

            How as a parent can you help prepare your child for this stressful, anxiety-provoking event?  Also, how can you prepare for the stress involved if your child does not make the team?  Few parents would argue that one of the most difficult things to deal with is seeing our children emotionally hurt and/or disappointed.  The first thing to understand is that ultimately parents can’t control whether their child makes the team or not.  However, you can have some control over how your child deals with the experience, good or bad. 

            This is a good time tobegin to think about what your views and experiences are about sports, making teams, winning and losing.  Be sure that you are not placing your needs and desires for success in sports onto your child.  Is making this team really important to your child?  Do they have a strong desire to pursue this sport?  Who would be more upset about them not making the team, you or your child?  Remember having a natural talent or ability for a sport does not mean that they will want to put the time and effort into pursuing it.

Your attitude will inevitably be modeled to your children whether you intend it to or not.  Many parents often display a very emotional response in front of their children when they find out their child did not make the team.  It’s extremely difficult not to, but a disservice to your child if you display anger or any other strong emotions in front of them.  Speaking negatively about a coach or team is not helpful to your child.             

Prior to the tryout, talk to your child about the possibility of not making the team, don’t discourage them, but have an open conversation about the reality of his/her chances.  If you have the information, let them know how many kids will be trying out and how many will be selected.  Focus on the effort of the tryout.  Let them know that whatever the outcome, you are proud of the effort they have put into preparing for the tryout. 

            I strongly believe in the power of positive thinking and positive affirmations.  I teach children, “How we think affects how we feel, and how we feel affects how we perform and behave.”  Therefore, if you are thinking, “I have no chance.  I will never make the team,” chances are you will not.  Talk to your children about positive affirmations.  An affirmation is a positive statement about yourself.  If you continue to focus on the positive and believe in yourself, it will greatly increase your chances of performing well.  An affirmation is not about being conceited, but it is about learning to believe in yourself and putting positive energy toward your goals.  An example of a positive affirmation while preparing for sports would be, “I work really hard during practice and I am continuing to improve.”  “My skills are improving all the time.”  “I am mentally and physically prepared for my tryout.” 

            We all know that being mentally prepared to play a sport is just as important as being physically prepared.   As a baseball and softball mother, I have watched countless games where I have witnessed players losing their confidence and mental focus.  A pitcher throws balls and walks a few batters; you see the shoulders start to slump, the facial expression change.  I immediately know what is being said in his or her head, “I’m doing terrible.  Oh no, I’m going to give up runs.  It will be my fault if we lose.  I just can’t throw a strike.” Once that negative self-talk begins, it is very difficult to come back.  Encourage your child to “train their brain” to turn-off the negative self-talk and turn on the positive.  I often give the visual of changing the station in your brain. 

            If your child does not make the team, provide alternative options.  Your child will feel less pressured if he or she knows that there are other options.  Is there another sport in which they are interested?  Could they play in-house? Are there clinics, camps or training programs they could attend to help them improve?

            If your child doesn’t make the team it is extremely important to validate their feelings.  Some parents may think they are making it easier by saying, “You wouldn’t want to be on that team anyway.”  Or, “It’s not that big of a deal.”  Remember, if they think it is a big deal, it is a big deal.  Provide them with the opportunity to express their feelings.  Acknowledge their loss by saying, “I know you are very disappointed.  It is very hard to be cut.”  “I understand that you are very upset.” 

            If your child is very passionate about the sport and has potential, encourage them to continue working at it and try out again.   There are many examples of kids who were cut numerous times and kept trying until they made it.  Finally, help your child understand that there is a lot more than making the team that makes them successful in life.  Remind them of their other talents, skills, and unique qualities.